The princess nodded, and the frog said...
"That which you have promised, you must perform."
Very good. Keep reading.
"So the princess leaned in and kissed the frog...
but as she did, he became a handsome prince...
and they rode off to his kingdom, where they lived...
happily ever after."
Happily ever after.
There's no such thing as "happily ever after."
Not for a real princess.
The prince my father wants me to marry will always be a frog.
My offer still stands. I will help you get to America.
America?
- That's very kind. - But we're running out of time.
I know of a ship bound for America, but we must leave tonight.
- Leave tonight? - We must hurry, Princess.
Hurry, Princess.
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, that's it.
Okay. Great. Great. Okay.
Come here. Look at this. Spent a lot of time on this.
Now, pay attention, 'cause I don't want any mistakes.
Now, I've calculated the speed of the train and the speed of our horses.
We meet at this vector. The only variable is the wind.
Technically, if you travel over here on the horses--
Is this the train?
All right. We're just gonna wing it, like we always do.
Ride down, jump on the train...
hoorah the money, head back to the cathouse, all right?
- Mm-hmm. - Let's go. Come on. Move out. Go!
You okay? Nervous? It's all right to be nervous when you're new.
You'll be okay. I'll keep an eye on you.
All you gotta do is follow my lead. All right, look alive, outlaws!
"So the princess leaned in and kissed the frog...
but as she did, he became a handsome prince...
and they rode off to his kingdom...
where they lived happily ever after. "
- Reach for the sky, ladies and gentlemen! This is a stick-- - Touch that gun, I'll blow your goddamn head off!
What-What are you doin'? No, no. I sorta like to be the only guy that talks, Wallace. All right?
- All right. I'm sorry. - Okay. That's okay. That's okay. Good. - I got excited.
Don't worry. Don't worry. Come on. Come on, Big 'Un, let's go.
Why is the new guy talking? Where did you get this guy?
You know I'm the only one who talks.
- What's he looking at? - Okay, everybody keep calm.
You think you're gonna shoot me? Is that right?
What you got right in here? Yeah, you got this gun?
You think you're gonna do something with that gun?
Come on, Lady Bird. You got anything in here besides yarn?
Oh, you got it out! You got it out for me!
- You been robbed before! - Hey! Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No.
Come here. Come here. We don't steal from women.
Get over here. Take that side.
Give me your hand. Give me your hand.
I'm so sorry about that. I apologize.
First time you've seen an outlaw?
Scared? Kind of excited too?
All mixed up? Yeah.
Last train we robbed, we were naked, it was so hot out.
Yeah, it was somethin'
Yeah, it's got my initials right there.
What are you lookin' at? What are you looking at?
Wait! Stop! Where did you get this guy?
- Texas. - Texas? Are you insane? - Yeah.
Just shoot me now, 'cause I don't understand what we're doing here.
Sir, sir, sir, sir. Come here, come here, come here. Sit down.
- Excuse me. - Sir, sit down.
- What happened? Wallace, what are you doing? - I'm just wingin' it.
No! No! That's not how we wing it!
No more winging it! Stop! Come on, Big 'Un.
- You've lost your "winging it" privileges. - Damn.
Damn!
Who killed my uncle? Who did this?
Give me the dynamite. Give me the dynamite.
No, no, no, no. You stay here. You don't get to come.
- Keep an eye on Wing Nut. - Hey, Blue, looky here!
- Okay. - Damn.
- Who killed my uncle? - What in the hell is this, the Orient Express?
- Get him! - Come here!
Wh-- Hey! The safe's getting ready to blow!
Get ready to reap the fruits of our labor.
Move it! Let's go!
Roy, you just blew the shit out of our fruits.
Oh, shit.
We got a Chinaman to catch.
Stop! Stop!
Turn around!
What the--
- Who are you? - Hey, Roy!
Don't you worry about a thing! I got you covered!
No! No!
Roll, baby, roll!
Reach for the sky, O'Bannon! It's my gang now!
I don't understand.
You said your friend had a large estate.
He does.
- What exactly does he do? - Well, you could say...
he's a philanthropist.
He helps Chinese immigrants get back on their feet.
Welcome to America, Princess.
Lo Fong.
Forgive me if I do not bow.
Calvin, this man is a trai--
traitor.
Why? Because he ran away from the Forbidden City?
Your reward is on the table, Mr. Andrews.
Well, now you're gonna have to double it, or I'm gonna kill her.
One thing about the Chinese, Mr. Andrews--
We do not renegotiate.
Whatever you think I'm going to do for you...
you're wrong.
Oh, it was just like a nightmare. You wouldn't --
You wouldn't believe it if I told you. My gang left me in the desert.
I felt like all the other cowboys hated my guts.
Everyone was-- Oh, I just missed you. I missed all of you.
We missed you too, Roy.
I think it's medication time.
Come here, devil woman.
Oh! Ooh, that's naughty.
Ohh. Ow, careful. Careful with that.
Ow, ow. Careful. Ow. Ow.
Holy crap! The vultures are eating my head!
Help! Help! My gang buried me!
They left me for dead!
Oh, thank heavens. Oh, I thought you were a mirage.
- Oh, come on. Water. - You.
- You killed my uncle! - Bull!
That was Wallace all the way.
- He was one of your bandits. - He wasn't part of my gang.
He was a new guy. He's crazy as a road lizard.
- You deserve to die. - Hold on a second.
You know what no one's saying here?
Is I had a chance to kill you on that train, and I chose not to.
'Cause I'm not a barbarian.
- Hey! Where are you going? - Carson City.
I'm closer to diggin' myself to China than you are to gettin' to Carson City.
- Hey! - Which way?
Hey, that's better. Dig me out and I'll show you.
Which way?
You see those mountains over there?
Carson City is on the other side.
All right, dig me out. I kept my end of the bargain.
Dig me out.
Dig.
Hey! Hey!
- Come on! - Don't talk.Just dig.
Hey!
Where is Carson City?
I thought you might be hungry.
You were wrong.
You would find me a much better host if we could come...
to some sort of an arrangement.
An arrangement?
Like the one you have with the slaves working on this railroad?
These people are free to leave.
What do you want with me?
Once I have the emperor's gold, my work will be complete.
Princess.
I think it is time for you to be among your people.
They don't look like any injuns I ever seen,Jedediah.
That's because they're not injuns, woman! They're Jews!
You, stay.
Oh, no, I'm out.
Fellas, get a load of this.
Is this Carson City?
No, this ain't Carson City, Chief.
You're gonna have to get your firewater somewhere else.
All right, Roy, ante up.
And stay out!
You bounce back fast, kimosabe.
Ow.
What are you doin' here? I thought you were going to Carson City.
You! You gave me bad directions!
No, I gave you wrong directions. You want your toothpicks back?
- You got a lot of nerve comin' in here with that thing-- - Give it back to me!
Ain't that somethin'?
Take your hand off me.
Hey, I just want to go to Carson City!
If you've got the time
And the ten to get
Yourself in
And I hear it's tight
Most every night
Now, I might be mistaken
You're goin' for a ride!
No!
Yes! Yes!
No! No! No!
No! Sorry! I'm sorry!
You!
- Who in the hell started this? - The Chinaman.
Let me out! Give me the book back!
I have to go to Carson City to rescue the princess!
You've got the wrong person! I don't belong here!
Hey!
Keep goin' with the Chinese. I think that's workin' I think they're just about to let you out.
- Give me the book back! - For cryin' out loud, just give him the book back, please.
-If it'll give us some peace and quiet-- -Open it up! -Forget about it.
- They're not givin' you the book back. Drop the book. - I have wasted enough time with you.
- What? You've wasted enough time with me? What about me? - Give me the book! Give me the book!
- Hey! Listen for a second. Stop! - Give me the book! Hey!
Listen! Stop! You're not in the East, okay?
You're not in China. This is the West. The sun doesn't rise here, it sets here...
and you're closer to getting us hung than you are getting that book back, okay?
Now, just-- I like that.
That's what I'm talking about. You're wound so tight.
You're the most irritable guy I've ever been around.Just relax for a second.
Take ten minutes, and then you can go back to screaming, I promise.
I'll join you. Okay, just relax for a second.
Come on, sit down.
Come on.
Just relax.
Is that relaxed?
You look sort of rigid there.
You know what? We got off on the wrong foot.
Let's try to start again.
Man, you sure can fight.
I've never seen anything like that.
It was--
I'm trying to give you a compliment.
You're not still mad about me pointin' you in the wrong direction, are you?
Come on. You gotta be able to laugh at stuff like that.
Like me in the desert. I don't hold any grudges. I laugh about it.
I'm not angry at you. You just left me there with chopsticks to die.
Roy, all by his lonesome.Just me and the buzzards pickin' at my head.
You're a very silent man, aren't you?
You weren't expecting to see old Roy in that bar, were you?
Be honest. Were you? Huh?
Did you really use those chopsticks?
You better believe it.
Now you laugh. That's funny. I gotta remember that one.
- So, who are you? - I'm the Imperial Guard...
to the Emperor of China.
-China. What's with the-- with the book? -The book belongs to Princess Pei Pei.
- Who? - Princess Pei Pei.
She was kidnapped from the Forbidden City.
Forbidden City? I like that, the Forbidden City.
A princess kidnapped. It's so mysterious. Oh, go ahead.
The emperor sent us to get her back.
Us? You mean your friends from the train?
They are also Imperial Guards. They have four days to bring the gold to Carson City.
- What gold? - The gold for the princess.
The gold-- Was the gold on the train?
Yes.
How much gold?
One hundred thousand pieces.
Sir? Sir? Could we get-- Could you give us that book, please?
Sir, there's been a mistake. He has--
Sir-- Yeah.
We're gonna get that book, and we're gonna get you out of here.
- You help me escape? - Shh. Yes.
- Why? - Why? I'm gonna tell you why.
Because there are some things in this world that are just wrong, okay...
and stealing a princess is one of them.
Yeah. That's wrong. And I'll tell you another thing.
I feel guilty about leading you up that mountain.
What was I thinking? How much time did we waste there?
That was stupid. It wasn't funny. All right?
Now, sit tight and let me figure this out.
All right, come on, Roy.
Maybe-- Maybe I pretend to be sick, then attack the guards when they come in.
Okay, you mean the sick prisoner routine?
Yeah. Does that still work in China?
'Cause here it's sorta been done to death.
- I have another idea. - No, no, no, no, no.
Here's how you help me. You stay on your side of the room, let me figure it out over here.
Okay, you play over there.
Think. Think. What do we got here? Oh, yeah.
Okay.
We got wood. We got a wall made out of wood.
That's good. Oh, we got pillows.
We got pillows, sheets. We got the sheets and the mattress.
Okay, let's put it all together. Let's think. Add it up, add it up.
What do we got? What do we got?
What are you doing? Stop! Stop!
- What are you doing? - Shh. Shh. Shh.
-Hold this for me. -No, no. That's your shirt. You hold it.
I like your energy, but I'm not-- I'm not with you. Where--
When the shirt gets wet, it doesn't break.
I don't know what that means. And then--
Okay. And then what-- Then with the wet shirt, you--
You bend the bars. That's the payoff.
Don't waste my time with stuff like that, okay?
A 2,000-year-old civilization, that's all you can come up with?
Shame on you. Shame on you.
Come on. Stop, please. It's embarrassing.
- See? I told you so. - No, you said, "Wet shirt don't break," not "Piss shirt bend bar."
- Twist it. - Help.
Okay, there. Get it. There you go.
Just one more. Yeah.
You're as strong as an ox! Go! Come on, you can do it!
There, you got it! We're gettin' it!
-Yeah. Hold it for me. I'll get through. -Okay.
No, no, no. You hold it and I'll go through.
No! Not your hand! Stop.
- Hold it. - Adios, sucker. - What?
I'm just kidding. Come on. Go.
I wouldn't leave my old pal there.
Go. Squeeze. Squeeze.
No, no, no, no. Grab this, grab that.
Work your magic right here.
- Too dry. - What? Juice it up.Juice it up. Go.
I can't ! No more!
Ah, damn it.
Come on out, little Roy. Work your magic.
- Hurry up. - I'm trying, I'm trying.
- Stop! Don't look at me. - Relax!
- Relax. It'll come. - Thanks.
- That helps. Yeah. Good. - Is that called relax?
Sheriff! Oh, thank God you're here. Get the guns!
- Get my book! - I got it!
Whoa, whoa. Wow, who's the pretty lady?
- That's my wife. - How long you been in this country?
- Four days. - Nice work.
Hello.
Come on. Let's adios, partner.
Well, best of luck to you. I guess this is what...
your people call sayonara.
Looks like Fido's giving you some problems there.
You want me to, uh, give you a hand?
- No, I can do it. - Sure, you can.
H-How is a greenhorn like you gonna make it to Carson City...
and rescue this princess?
Stop, stop, stop, stop.
I can't take it anymore. Watch me do it.
Get it like this and you put it up high.
See? It'll drift back when you're riding.
- All right, I'll do it. - Do what?
Take you to Carson City, help you rescue Princess Pee Pee.
Pei Pei. You do not care about the princess.
You don't know me very well, do you?
Tell you one thing-- I'd hate to think of an innocent member...
of Chinese nobility suffering.
Tell you that.
You people believe in karma over there, right? Well, I've been thinking.
There must be a reason why we keep running into each other.
You know, I've ridden with some terrible men--just people I couldn't trust.
But when I look at you, there's something different about you.
And I can see it--
I can see it in your eyes.
It's what the Indians call chippichawa.
- What's that? - Chippichawa is nobility.
And you have it in spades.
You've got yourself a partner. This has nothing to do with gold, okay?
- Shake on it. - Why are you spitting in your hand?
Well, it's , uh, customary, to seal the deal.
Come on. Let's go.
This is gonna be a long journey.
You boys take care now, you hear? Shalom.
- Shalom. - Oh. Let's go.
Yee-haw! Goddamn!
Looks like y'all had a twister touch down in here.
Roy O'Bannon and his partner come through town.
Roy O'Bannon? Roy O'Bannon ain't got no partner, friend. Roy O'Bannon is dead.
He ain't dead. He busted out of jail last night with the Shanghai Kid.
Shanghai Kid? Roy got a new gang goin'?
That son of a bitch. That two-timin' son of a bitch!
He double-crossed us with that Chinaman from the damn train!
Just like that. See, at kind of a rakish angle.
- Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. - How do I look?
I think you look great. I think you look like a real cowboy.
Very dapper, red bandana.
Roy O'Bannon.
- My name is Chon Wang. -John Wayne?
Chon Wang.
- That's a terrible cowboy name. - Why?
No, come on, that's not gonna work. That's horrible.
That's so bad. And so's the ponytail. Now, look--
No!
It doesn't look that bad, actually.
Never touch my queue.
That killed! Ow.
- We have to go to Carson City. - Okay.
Now, before we go to Carson City, I want to teach you some stuff. Come on.
You just follow me.
- What's that? - Sensitivity. Increased reflexes.
Now, these are guns. These can be your best friend or your worst enemy.
That's a spin in my left hand. That's a spin in my right hand.
That's two spins. Now, here, I'm gonna let you hang onto this.
See? Whoa. Be careful. Always be ready. Always be ready.
Now, try to exhale for long-range shots...
inhale for short-range.
All right, now cover up your ears, 'cause this could be loud.
Cover up your ears.
I am like a wild horse. You can't tame me.
You put the oats in the pen, though, and I'll come in for a nibble every day.
But if you ever shut that gate, I'll jump the fence. You'll never see me again.